| Update |
[20 Dec 2006|05:40am] |
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So. It's been a long time, and a ton of stuff has happened.
First and foremost: Bunny and I have separated, and will be filing for divorce shortly after the new year. I'm still negotiating with her over terms to be sure that we're mutually agreed. By doing that up front, we're avoiding legal types altogether. I'll be doing all the filing and appearances, as it was my decision to break up.
Second, I've been looking much harder at myself lately than I have in a very long time. REALLY long time. I've started asking myself questions, and started some serious self-examination and introspection.
When was the last time you asked yourself, "What do you want?"
Not what you want ten minutes hence. Not what you want for your birthday or whatever holiday. Not what car you want. WHAT do you WANT out of LIFE?
Big question. Not easily answered. I'm asking it of myself, and it'll probably be a while before I can answer it. Meantime, think about that yourself. It's worthwhile to revisit that one on a semi-regular basis.
I'm going to be updating again, so I'll fill more in later. It's time to sleep.
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[06 Nov 2006|01:06am] |
You Are 64% Selfish
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You put your own needs first, figuring if you don't take care of yourself, who will?
While this is a good philosophy to have, it wouldn't hurt you to be a tad more giving.
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| Programming |
[09 Oct 2006|05:18pm] |
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Java can suck my nuts. Awful language. Terrible. Blah!!!
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[24 Sep 2006|09:03pm] |
This is so wrong.
| You Have Good Karma | 
In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others.
Your caring personality really shines through.
Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out.
But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots. |
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| Router |
[27 Aug 2006|02:59pm] |
I'm building a new router out of an old P2 334MHz box. It'll run Gentoo. Why? Well, here's why:
load average: 1.96, 1.91, 1.83
That's from my current Linksys router running the Svaesoft firmware. It's basically a mini-linux install. Those numbers represent percentages. I'm running that poor router at almost 200% capacity. I'm trying to get it to do almost twice the work it's capable of. No wonder my net connection is sucking ass.
Hope to finish that new box soon...
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[20 Aug 2006|10:07am] |
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Wanna feel small? This website has size comparisons of celestial bodies. Very interesting, and more than a bit humbling.
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| More dreams |
[14 Aug 2006|10:34pm] |
I woke up last night at 04:30 from a rather startling and intense dream experience. The detail and quantity of recollection surpasses anything I've had in recent memory.
My dreaming started with some sort of orchestra experience. I was sitting with the rest of the orchestra members, holding my clarinet. We were on some sort of platform, elevated above the main floor in a cavernous concert hall. The main color theme was a deep crimson red. The odd part was that my old Boychoir director was on the podium. the mood was one of a rehearsal that had just finished, and we were waiting for notes or comments. He then announced that he and his wife were getting divorced. Knowing those two, the world would end before that happened. By way of explanation, a rather disturbing story involving some kind of misunderstanding with the police forces and their insistence that a bruise the wife had acquired innocently was the result of our director physically abusing her (hooray run-on sentences!).
At that point, I started to cry. I was re-living the night at band camp when our director was taken away in an ambulance, and there were rumors of blood and no breathing. She died a week later.
In the specifics of my dream, we were all simply upset and angry that the government had forced the two of them to split, for reasons that were dubious at best. As my dream progressed, visions from the trailers for 'V for Vendetta' played into my dream government body. The Party saw everyone everywhere, much like 1984's Big Brother. Anyone who did something that was against the law would immediately be called on it by some sort of localized P.A. system. They'd be offered the choice to publicly apologize, and if they chose not to within 30 seconds, secret police would appear seemingly from around the nearest corner to take them to task. Those still unrepentent would then disappear.
The technology of this dream world was then revealed to me. I dreamed that I witnessed a shoplifter get called out, refuse to apologize, and then confronted. He soon was taken away into police custody, presumably not to be heard from again. This sort of thing was not uncommon, and anyone standing nearby would simply observe while attempting to be transparent.
I left the concert hall, witnessed the shoplifter get taken away, and then continued on to what seemed to be a public transit system. I was taken away on a monorail arrangement at high speed, without any kind of windscreen, to a sickeningly high altitude. It was dark, and the skyline was like that of Blade Runner. Smoggy, smoky, hazy, and unbelievably ultra-urban. The rail took me down to the shoreline, much like a Chicago pier, where I had a tech lab. I did some various sysadmin duties, played with the network, did some data transfers, and then went to an upper level where some sort of horizontal energy vortex was being manipulated by various robotic arms wielding circular glowing rings of plasma or some other flourescent gas.
The rest of the details are not terribly interesting, but the overall feeling was one of oppression, darkness, and decrepid over-industrialization. The platforms and building in which my lab resided were made of dark and mesh-like metals. Strange.
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| Dreams, nightmares, life |
[10 Aug 2006|05:00pm] |
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music |
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computer systems |
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I've started remembering my dreams. More accurately, I recall my dreams for the past two nights. The content of these dreams has made me consider the things that are on my mind.
Night before last, I had a detailed dream that I was at a Ren Faire, but not Silver Leaf. This one was held in a semi-wooded area with a large river or small bay bordering one side. All the vendors were spread out, so the crowds were dispersed. The entire Silver Leaf cast was there, all in character. I was a pirate and it must have been pirate weekend as the cast was dressed likewise. Suddenly, there was a great deal of shouting and yelling. A number of longboats rowed in from the water and pirate raiding parties came running up the shore once the boats had beached. Captain Barbosa came striding up amongst the chaos, and calmly sat himself on a large rock under the weeping willow tree. The cast and I were rounded up and brought before the captain. Erin (who was not playing the queen for some reason) offered a deal to Barbosa: Spare our lives in exchange for 10 years service on his crew.
Then I awoke.
I can only guess that this dream addressed my relief and sorrow that Faire had ended. While those five weekends brought stress, they also brought great joy. More on that in a bit.
My dream last night consisted of a stop to the gas station. When I looked at the pump, it read $8.039 for regular. That, it seemed, was the best going price. I woke up feeling some kind of major dread regarding my financial ability to get from home to school and back. The dream was so vivid that I felt palpable relief on seeing $2.999 on my way into town today.
Economic anxiety surrounding energy prices is something that I spend a not inconsequential amount of time entertaining. Perhaps I should worry less about things that I have no control over.
The last month or so has led to some interesting bits of self-discovery. The one that struck me most was a sense of loss akin to 'empty nest syndrome' after the last of the Silver Leaf cast had left. I felt an indescribable feeling of emptiness. Hosting so many people for five weekends had been chaotic, exhausting, and time-consuming, but it had also been fulfilling, fun, exciting, and gratifying. It's an experience I hope to replicate soon with a first-ever cast party, as well as again next year during the run of Silver Leaf.
Those feelings have also caused me to consider my attitudes towards parenthood. It's something I've felt uncomfortable about for a while, and so have taken pains to avoid having children. As I grow older and more mature, I'm finding that my anxieties now center more around my ability to provide for offspring adequately rather than soley on my loss of independence.
Alas, I've ranted too long. More on this later.
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| Tartanic! |
[29 Jul 2006|01:15am] |
Snakes on a plane? Fuuuuuck that! I got BAGPIPES in a BAR, BITCHES!
I saw Tartanic at the Arcadia Brewing Company. Incredibly high-energy awesomeness! I can't even describe how amazing that was. I've never been so happy to be temporarily hard of hearing. Maybe after my mind has overcome the shock I'll be able to describe it, but probably not.
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| car balls |
[28 Jul 2006|05:00pm] |
WTF is up with those rubber testicles people hang on their vehicles? It's classless, tacky, and useless. Saw a 'pair' hanging on the back of a cavalier today, and a middle-aged woman was driving.
What the hell?
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[23 Jul 2006|09:40am] |
The Deviant Geek
You answered 80% of the questions as a geek truly would. | You're a geek and you know it. You've got all sorts of fringe hobbies and socially unacceptable tendencies. Chances are, whenever possible, you hate to be grouped with other people and sometimes go out of your way just to be different.
You're smart too. You're more willing to depend on your own brainpower to solve problems, instead of relying on others to pull you through life. You probably read a lot, and generally enjoy learning new things.
So what's it all mean? You may be considered by some to be uncool, but you probably don't care either. In social situations you may be either slightly passive or slightly loud (geeks always fall into the extremes).
In a nutshell, you answered enough questions correctly supporting a geek philosophy to be considered a more potent geek than 60% of the population.
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 50% on geekness |
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[20 Jul 2006|12:23am] |
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What's the thing you define yourself with? Your marriage or relationship? Faith or Religion? Group membership of some kind? Perhaps your job, passion, or occupation?
Whatever it is, imagine uprooting it and putting it into question. Not discounting it, but doubting it. Imagine taking a good, long, hard look, and having done so, finding that you don't exactly like what you see.
I haven't been this upset in a very long time.
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[11 Jul 2006|11:25pm] |
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My left ear has been ringing more or less non-stop for 8 hours. This can't be good.
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| This made me laugh |
[07 Jul 2006|07:10pm] |
Girl: You know what I hate? When you hold the door open for a blind person and he looks right at you and says, "Thank you."
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
from OverHeardInNewYork.com
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[22 Jun 2006|06:09am] |
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mood |
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Look up loser. You'll see a picture and description of me.
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[21 Jun 2006|10:19pm] |
Dark, violent, stormy weather. Appropriate to my mood.
I was going to write a massive post about all the shit I've been doing lately, but after this, none of it matters.
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[13 Jun 2006|01:36am] |
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I just posted this on the whatthefuck boards. I'm oddly eloquent at strange hours of the morning. I think so, anyway.
" It's a fool's errand to expect the world to give a shit or two about you. If you don't take the trouble to give a shit about yourself, don't be silly enough to think that anybody else will."
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